Alec Baldwin Is Still Coming to Terms with the Rust Tragedy: 'The Emotion Is Washing Up on Me' (Exclusive)

Alec Baldwin says he’s still coming to terms with the fatal 2021 Rust shooting and its aftermath.

In the new issue of PEOPLE, the Emmy-winning 30 Rock star, 66, who was holding a prop gun on the New Mexico set of the Western when it discharged, killing cinematographer Halyna Hutchins and injuring writer-director Joel Souza, says he put his emotions aside in order to be present for his wife Hilaria Baldwin, 41, and their children.

“I had to stuff [feelings] down because I had seven kids. I couldn’t really go in the other room and cry or whatever. And now the emotion is really kind of washing up on me,” says Alec, who shares Carmen, 11, Rafael, 9, Leonardo, 8, Romeo, 6, Eduardo and Marilu, 4, and Ilaria, 2 with Hilaria. (He and ex-wife Kim Basinger are also parents to daughter Ireland, 29.)

Though Alec insisted he did not pull the trigger and could not have known the gun contained live ammunition instead of dummy rounds, he was indicted for involuntary manslaughter and stood trial last July. 

On the third day of the proceedings, the judge dismissed the case with prejudice after Alec’s lawyers argued that the prosecution withheld evidence relevant to the case. Special prosecutor Kari T. Morrissey appealed the judge’s decision in November, but withdrew the appeal a month later.

Cameras began rolling on the new TLC reality series The Baldwins the month before Alec headed to trial — and the series shows how he and Hilaria juggled parenting and day-to-day life with their kids along with the stress of his legal drama. 

“I don't think other people would've survived this,” says Alec, who lives in New York City with his family. “I think the number one thing they would've done — they would've cashed out everything they own, wadded it up into a big ball, and left. Left New York. New York is the most media-centric place in the world.”

Baldwin says he was at a dinner party last summer with a “famous woman” he declines to name who had a “horrible incident” happen to her. “I said, ‘I'm asking myself, is it ever possible for me to be the same again after this happened?’ And she goes, ‘I haven't been the same for one day. Not one day. It changed my life. It changed me. It changed my whole life as a person,’” recalls Alec.

“This is a woman who's very prominent, big media presence, successful and rich and everything. And she just looked me right in the eye. She goes, ‘Not one day have I felt I'm back to the way I was,’” continues Alec.

Alec has since filed a lawsuit against the prosecutors, investigators and others, accusing them of “malicious abuse of process, intentional spoliation of evidence, defamation, and violation of the New Mexico Civil Rights Act.”

His suit claims the defendants “sought at every turn to scapegoat Baldwin for the acts and omissions of others, regardless of the evidence or the law.” (The film’s armorer, Hannah Gutierrez-Reed, was convicted of involuntary manslaughter last March for her role in Hutchins’s death.) 

The Baldwins are cognizant of the fact that there are others who suffered, too, including Hutchins’s widower, Matthew and their child. “A son lost his mom. We are going to feel and carry that pain forever,” says Hilaria.

The Baldwins premieres on Sunday, Feb. 23 at 10pm E.T. on TLC.

For more on Alec Baldwin and Hilaria Baldwin, pick up the new issue of PEOPLE.